The morning after the rant before...

So last night I had a melt down.

Nothing completely new, I have gotten to this point before on many occasions, but this is the first since I've been back on medication. I need another purge so I'm going to go back a bit and try and put down in writing some of the things that have been going on in my head in the last 6 months and go from there.

I think that the worst emotional symptom of my mental health problems is the paranoia. I recently admitted this to my mother and she actually said something along the lines of Hallelujah, you can finally see it! I asked her why she hadn't tried to point it out to me, and her reply? You were so paranoid, would it have helped to know your mother thought there was something wrong with you or just to know that I was here for you. Touche mother, touche!

Paranoia is insidious. It creeps into every relationship. You suspect your boss thinks you're not doing enough, your friends don't really like you, you're only being invited to things because people feel sorry for you and there is no way you are good enough for anyone who you might desire a relationship with.

Emotional Word Vomit

Today I feel alone. Alone and ugly and lonely and like I will never be good enough for anyone.

I look at my amazing friends and think that if they are still single, I don't have a chance.

Sometimes I do really well and think I'm okay, relatively smart, articulate, I can be funny if you have my sense of humour, I can be silly and fun, I can cook. The cleaning is improving and mostly I can look in the mirror and not hate myself, I even think I look good some of the time.

And then I think I must just be making it up. Nobody wants me so I can't be all those things. Even when I think I'm special to someone I get cheated on, or left for someone else, or just left and no reason why. I'm unloveable, unattractive, stupid and naive to think anyone could love me for who I am.

But being something I'm not is even worse.

I don't know. I'm writing this through a flood of tears, I'll put the brave face back on in the morning and pretend nothing happened. Keep on living my empty life, missing the comfort of someone to share that life with and slowly dying a little more inside.

Seriously, am I really that awful to be around that I have never had a serious long term relationship that has lasted much more than a year?

Hate feeling like this, feeling sorry for myself, ranting and crying. It can't make me any more attractive, but now, tonight, I just don't care.