I look at my amazing friends and think that if they are still single, I don't have a chance.
Sometimes I do really well and think I'm okay, relatively smart, articulate, I can be funny if you have my sense of humour, I can be silly and fun, I can cook. The cleaning is improving and mostly I can look in the mirror and not hate myself, I even think I look good some of the time.
And then I think I must just be making it up. Nobody wants me so I can't be all those things. Even when I think I'm special to someone I get cheated on, or left for someone else, or just left and no reason why. I'm unloveable, unattractive, stupid and naive to think anyone could love me for who I am.
But being something I'm not is even worse.
I don't know. I'm writing this through a flood of tears, I'll put the brave face back on in the morning and pretend nothing happened. Keep on living my empty life, missing the comfort of someone to share that life with and slowly dying a little more inside.
Seriously, am I really that awful to be around that I have never had a serious long term relationship that has lasted much more than a year?
Hate feeling like this, feeling sorry for myself, ranting and crying. It can't make me any more attractive, but now, tonight, I just don't care.
I'd love to tell you that romantic love is coming for you, but I'm not sure it is. Not because you don't deserve it, because you do. Not because you're not lovely, because you are. But just because this is life, it's grossly unfair, and it gets hard in here sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI know it hurts like hell. Loneliness is a bitch. Longing for what you don't have is awful. But know that you're not alone. You are understood, you are heard, you matter. Your thoughts and opinions are cherished.
I hope you find the love you're looking for someday soon. I hope that for me, too. But more than that I hope that no matter what happens, you'll have a song in your heart.
x
Thanks Cate, it means a lot to me that you would share that. It's so hard and I know I'm not the only one, but I think sometimes that no one can feel the pain as much as I do (Which of course isn't true).
DeleteI do hope that I will me someone to spend the rest of my life with, and I hope the same for you and every other lonely perso out there. I just don't want to live my life always waiting.
*hugs*
Everything you said pretty much echoes everything I felt before I met the lady I married. And my longest relationship had been a crappy 6 months.
ReplyDeleteI know it sounds such a cliche, and I dealt a lot with a lot of self-loathing myself. But sometimes you need to learn to give yourself credit, to learn to like and even fall in love with yourself a bit. I could say "you're not worthless" (and I believe it), but you do need to find that out, and indeed feel that a bit yourself.
Everyone deserves a bit of happiness.
thank you. And you're right I do need to love myself first. I feel like I get there sometimes, but it's a flimsy connection and reality sweeps it out from under me sometimes, so I obviously still need work.
DeleteWe all deserve happiness indeed.
Oh! I know all these feels! Except I have very few single friends nowadays & have become that extra person that throws the balance out at seated tables. So at least you have that, you know your friends are amazing and single, so therefore you can be single AND ALSO amazing (which you seem to be, to me). Whereas I can fret that I must be truly awful, because everyone around me is wifed up, even the assholes; haha.
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful & smart & funny & have more years ahead of you than behind, so yes, something may just come along when you least expect it :)
Thank you. I do have an abundance of amazing single friends, men and women. Some who enjoy the single life, others like me that would prefer to settle down and even my couple friends like to hang out.
DeleteSometimes it seems like you're alone in the world and everything is either passing you by or only happening to you. I don't know how we snap ourselves out of these feels, but it helps to know that we aren't truly alone.
You seem like a pretty awesome person to me, one who deserves everything that I do too. Mutual support team I think!!!