Emotional Word Vomit

Today I feel alone. Alone and ugly and lonely and like I will never be good enough for anyone.

I look at my amazing friends and think that if they are still single, I don't have a chance.

Sometimes I do really well and think I'm okay, relatively smart, articulate, I can be funny if you have my sense of humour, I can be silly and fun, I can cook. The cleaning is improving and mostly I can look in the mirror and not hate myself, I even think I look good some of the time.

And then I think I must just be making it up. Nobody wants me so I can't be all those things. Even when I think I'm special to someone I get cheated on, or left for someone else, or just left and no reason why. I'm unloveable, unattractive, stupid and naive to think anyone could love me for who I am.

But being something I'm not is even worse.

I don't know. I'm writing this through a flood of tears, I'll put the brave face back on in the morning and pretend nothing happened. Keep on living my empty life, missing the comfort of someone to share that life with and slowly dying a little more inside.

Seriously, am I really that awful to be around that I have never had a serious long term relationship that has lasted much more than a year?

Hate feeling like this, feeling sorry for myself, ranting and crying. It can't make me any more attractive, but now, tonight, I just don't care.

Couple conundrums

Kumbaya

One of my earliest ‘serious’ relationships (I was 18 and it was for 3 months, it _felt_ serious okay?!) was with, let’s call him Jeremy.

Jeremy was adorable, he had a bit of an accent, shiny dark hair and wasn’t too tall so I didn’t get a crick in my neck if we kissed standing up (oh the simplicity of being a teenager).

Now, Jeremy was a virgin. And Jeremy had decided he would quite like to lose his virginity to me. So understandably I was quite flattered, slightly nervous seeing as I hadn’t had much experience myself and from memory I was already phrasing ways to say how good he was even if it only lasted 30 seconds to save him any embarrassment. You know, I wanted his first time to be special.

If only I had known.