Couple conundrums

Kumbaya

One of my earliest ‘serious’ relationships (I was 18 and it was for 3 months, it _felt_ serious okay?!) was with, let’s call him Jeremy.

Jeremy was adorable, he had a bit of an accent, shiny dark hair and wasn’t too tall so I didn’t get a crick in my neck if we kissed standing up (oh the simplicity of being a teenager).

Now, Jeremy was a virgin. And Jeremy had decided he would quite like to lose his virginity to me. So understandably I was quite flattered, slightly nervous seeing as I hadn’t had much experience myself and from memory I was already phrasing ways to say how good he was even if it only lasted 30 seconds to save him any embarrassment. You know, I wanted his first time to be special.

If only I had known.

I think you know by now that I seem to be a magnet for troublesome situations; this was one of the earliest examples. You see I was flatting on Evans Bay Parade while I studied design at what was then Wellington Polytechnic.

Jeremy was in seventh form at one of the Wellington high schools and even then I got a kick of seeing him in his uniform (I have a problem – I like hot guys in blazers or suits). But that is entirely off the point.

Back to my flatting situation. Being a poor design student, who worked two jobs – one cleaning motel rooms and the other at BK, I couldn’t really afford a decent flat so I shared a room with a friend in a house with 8 bedrooms. We had 9 flatmates… that is eleven of us in one house.

Getting alone time so Jeremy and I could complete our mission was almost impossible until one night my flatmate Claire decided to go out clubbing with friends.

Jeremy and I had it all planned out, there were condoms, there may even have been candles… what I do remember is my single bed and mattress that didn’t have legs, Jeremy doing surprisingly well and the sound of my bedroom door opening when things were in full swing!

Claire and her friends had arrived home early. She screamed when she walked in, having turned on the light and gotten an eyeful of Jeremy’s rear end (I should also point out Claire & Jeremy had known each other for years and were like brother and sister – so ew!).

Claire swiftly left the room, but that is not where this story ends, oh how I wish it was. Claire stood outside the room, screaming at us to hurry up as only a spoilt 18year old girl can do and then proceeded to count down from ten.

When she reached zero, she re-entered the room, where Jeremy was gallantly trying to finish what he started and I was trying not to lose my shit, because Claire dragged every one of our flatmates that she could find into our room, including Steve and his guitar. He proceeded to strike up a rousing chorus of Kumbaya at which point I seem to remember seeing red and throwing shoes until people left the room.

I bumped into Jeremy last year through work… 15 years later and that night was the first thing that popped into my head. I hate to think about his recollection of that night, but at least it was memorable I guess…

The safe word

Okay one more quick story for tonight, this one is about a couple of friends of mine, just to show I’m not the only one that does/says silly things. And also to prove that like attracts like.

A few friends were getting together at my friend Kirsty’s new flat with her girlfriend Sammy for a bit of a flat warming/Friday drinks. When we got there Sammy hadn’t arrived back from work so we were having a bit of a laugh with Kirsty.

Now do you remember Helen from my last post? Well Helen was a little naive sometimes and when we had conversations using certain terms or types of slang she would often get a little confused and we would have great delight in explaining things to her as she would either get embarrassed or she would be so enthusiastic about her new found knowledge she would share it with everyone – despite these things being things most people knew.

So we were having a conversation about the Sub/Dom lifestyles and the term ‘Safe Word’ came up. As Helen was confused, Kirsty volunteered to tackle the explaining of the situation, which went (please remember we were trying to keep things simple & easy to understand):

“When a couple are role playing they want to make sure that things don’t get out of hand and that both people feel safe at all times. That’s why they will use a Safe Word. A Safe Word is a word that you wouldn’t normally use during sex that means Stop or No. The other person must immediately stop. You want to choose a word you will easily remember, something unique… like ‘Toast’.”

Helen sat back and absorbed this, she asked a few questions and we were all childishly amused and giggling when Sammy got home.

Sammy had barely set a foot inside the door when Helen pounced – it was share the knowledge time. The conversation went something like this:

Helen: “Sammy, Sammy, Sammy! Do you know what a Safe Word is?!”

Sammy: “Sure, it’s a word that you use during sex when things might get out of hand instead of Stop”

Helen looks deflated that Sammy knows what she is talking about, and then Sammy continues:

“You know, something no one else would think of. Something like ‘Toast’.”

We all look at Kirsty and start falling about laughing, Kirsty looks at Sammy, they both go bright red and Helen looks at everyone else and actually asked why we were all laughing so hard!!!