Emotional Word Vomit

Today I feel alone. Alone and ugly and lonely and like I will never be good enough for anyone.

I look at my amazing friends and think that if they are still single, I don't have a chance.

Sometimes I do really well and think I'm okay, relatively smart, articulate, I can be funny if you have my sense of humour, I can be silly and fun, I can cook. The cleaning is improving and mostly I can look in the mirror and not hate myself, I even think I look good some of the time.

And then I think I must just be making it up. Nobody wants me so I can't be all those things. Even when I think I'm special to someone I get cheated on, or left for someone else, or just left and no reason why. I'm unloveable, unattractive, stupid and naive to think anyone could love me for who I am.

But being something I'm not is even worse.

I don't know. I'm writing this through a flood of tears, I'll put the brave face back on in the morning and pretend nothing happened. Keep on living my empty life, missing the comfort of someone to share that life with and slowly dying a little more inside.

Seriously, am I really that awful to be around that I have never had a serious long term relationship that has lasted much more than a year?

Hate feeling like this, feeling sorry for myself, ranting and crying. It can't make me any more attractive, but now, tonight, I just don't care.

I still have hope

I’m the first to admit that life isn’t easy for anyone. Even those we think have privileged, indulgent lives, don’t really have it all. I’m pretty much positive that if you delved into anyone’s life you would find something that sucked. Something that may have helped shape them into the person they are today, but something that caused them pain and/or suffering at some point in their lives.

I see so much judgement every day. Even by those who rail against it. I see the same people who fight back against any governments trying to legislate a women’s body, or stop two people from marrying just on their gender, I see these people bullying, excluding and judging others.

I’m in no way saying I’m perfect, I have judged. I still do. But I admit it, I hate hypocrisy.

I love Twitter. The social media platform that has given me back the feeling I used to get on IRC back in the early 90s. Introducing me to people from all over the world, giving me a chance to meet people like me. A little geeky, somewhat socially awkward. I made some great, long lasting friendships on IRC. Some I am now friends with on Twitter in fact.

But Twitter is a little different. I’m finding more and more that people are using Twitter as a place to pick on others. To find someone whose point of view differs and then to bully that person, twist their words, retweet to their own followers, so that others that agree with you can mock and bully the individual.

I am finding it harder and harder to understand why this is acceptable. I don’t agree with everyone and I downright feel some people are wrong to think the way they do. I’m for gay marriage, against cutting mental health services, think that any act of terrorism domestic or otherwise should never happen, but I am also anti-bullying.

I have engaged with people who do not share my opinion. Tried to make them see the error of their ways, but usually end up chanting the old saying in my head: Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Now you may point out that calling someone an idiot is bullying. And you would probably be right if I was saying that to their face, but I try to just drop it. Block them, ignore further trolls on the subject.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t stand up for themselves, in fact that is one of my points. When your opinion differs from someone else and you pick on them for it, I’m not talking rational discussion – I’m talking putting someone down or insulting them personally for their opinion, then you are bullying them. And when they fight back, they are defending themselves.

Actually, as I typed that I think maybe that’s the point I’m trying to make. When you respond to anyone’s opinion on anything with an attack on the individual that gave the opinion then you are the bully. If you call someone fat, lazy, stupid, ugly or any other insult on the person, not the opinion, then you immediately lower yourself. In my eyes at least.

I make a real effort to think about responses defending myself, I try to phrase a response that addresses the original comment, not the person behind it.  I’m not perfect, I know that. But I try. And I try because I know what it is like to be bullied.

I grew up being taunted. I was too smart, too fat, too uncoordinated and lazy, I was a geek, a ginger, I had funny teeth and then I had braces. I fell of the roof of my house when I was twelve and fractured my spine – one boy in my class laughed when the teacher told them, on the day I returned in a neck brace another girl in my class attacked me. I dressed differently, we were poor, I read to much, I never had boyfriends, I wanted to be a virgin till I was 18, I was abused as a kid, I was raped at 16, I tried to fit in by ‘buying’ friendships – food, drink, introductions to the boys who lived next door, anything I thought would help me fit it.

But I was always taunted. And today on twitter I watched as people I know did exactly the same thing to other people I know and using some of the same taunts that were used on me as a kid and I cried.

I want people to be better than that. I still have hope.