Broke Ass September

A friend of mine, Kelly, recently announced that she was challenging herself to a month of limited excess spending. That is, spending over and above budgeted spending like bills, rent and groceries.

Being the ultimate empty slate who is susceptible to every advertising campaign out there (ooooh, beard wax sounds cool, I should buy some for my…. Beard?! Wait, what?!) I decided that this should be a worthy challenge for me.

Helpfully, in August I went on an overseas trip on which I overspent horribly and capped it off with a pre-planned trip to Napier on the last weekend of the month which conveniently EMPTIED my bank account. My next pay day is Wednesday 10 September, 10 days into this challenge.

Kelly dubbed this challenge Broke Ass September and it now has a twitter hashtag #BASept

Now following a day-by-day break down of my interesting life and spending habits. /end sarcasm

Monday: Having done the grocery shopping last week I have soy milk and cereal for work breakfasts, along with some stewed apple and boysenberry that I sealed in jars, and after making a large fish pie and a large lasagne, I also have lunches for the week. 

I’m minuting a big meeting over the lunch break today, so lunch is on work! Bonus, one of my frozen lunches saved for tomorrow instead.

I make it through Monday without raiding the snack box at work (my biggest downfall at $2 a pop) and refrain from getting a hot chocolate on the coffee run as well as missing the soft drink at lunch time.

Wow, seems I might be cutting back on a bit of sugar as well! Straight home after work and cooked dinner, Moroccan lamb chickpea dish with quinoa and mushrooms and plain yoghurt for my flatmate and I rediscovered my (full) liquor cabinet and had a gin & soda with dinner instead of wine or beer.

Week 1, Day 1: Total spend - $0

Tuesday: Breakfast again at work, had about 5 cups of tea to keep me going (okay, maybe not cutting back on that much sugar!) ate leftovers from Dinner on Sunday, a yummy chicken dish with brown rice and veges… must get the flatmate to make that again!

Avoided the snack box again, unfortunately I also avoided my weekly knitting group as I knew that would mean buying a beer and probably chips as well. Straight home after work to knit at home and the flatmate is cooking for me tonight..

Week 1, Day 2: Total spend - $0

Wednesday: Skipped breakfast (naughty), survived on tea again all morning and devoured a large slice of lasagne for lunch. Trying to drink more water (ew) as I think I’m a little dehydrated without drinking my usual soft drinks and juices.

Friend coming over for dinner tonight so I have a menu planned based on things I have at home. Such a great hostess, when she asked if she could bring anything I simply said anything you want to drink! One downside of not spending is not being able to buy a bottle of wine to go with dinner – to be fair, if I hadn’t drunk the one I bought in the last grocery shop on Sunday night, I would’ve had one!

I was reading about Campbell Live and the KidsCan charity drive this week and text donated $3 to the appeal as I didn’t know where I could drop some cans of baked beans/spaghetti off on Friday (go donate, they do great stuff!).

Southern baked chicken thighs with fried polenta, mushroom sauce and apple coleslaw was delicious. No leftovers tonight, but plenty of things in the freezer for lunches.

Week 1, Day 3: Total spend - $3 donation

Thursday: Ate fruit for breakfast at work, flat out and lots of tea! Had lasagne again for lunch (yum!) and avoided buying anything again (it’s not so bad, but it is getting boring!)

Home again after work, flatmate heading out so I ate cheese, drank gin and knitted. I can adult well.

Week 1, Day 4: Total spend - $0

Friday: Got through the day fine, cereal for breakfast, one cup of tea as I ran out of soy milk (so stupid as I have 4 containers at home) and left over chickpea dish from Monday night for lunch.

Went round to friends house for the evening, we were heading off to babysit for her sister so when she suggested we eat something before we went I made a throw together meal from her fridge (Vogel’s with relish, caramelised onions, halloumi and lemon peas).

Stopped at the supermarket on the way to buy some beer – I had budgeted $15 for this and spent $13.99 on a four pack of Epic Lager.

Week 1, Day 5: Total spend - $13.99

Saturday: Lovely sleep in! Made crepes with banana and maple syrup for breakfast and spent the day doing bits and pieces around my friend’s house and van. 

As a thanks for my help my friend bought me some beer so I cooked her dinner again. Made our own coating for chicken drumsticks, honeyed carrots, pureed peas and a mushroom sauce. 

Only thing purchased was the mushrooms and again, these were supplied by my friend. 

Week 1, Day 6: Total spend - $0

Sunday: Another great sleep in! Unheard of!! Made another brunch of Eggs ala Lyall Bay – Vogel’s toast, Lewis Road Creamery butter, caramelised onions, fried mushrooms, a perfectly poached egg and hollandaise sauce. All of the eggy products were made using eggs from my friend’s free-range backyard chickens! Double green points.

After a trip to the recycle shop at the landfill to dispose of some cardboard and recycle a few things we stopped at the supermarket and I bought a bottle of Sprig & Fern Pilsner for $10.97. 

Headed back to my friends to chill for the afternoon, we spent time in the sun snacking on crackers and I removed the labels from, cleaned and rinsed 30 crate beer bottles for our adventures in brewing beer.

We will be staring our first batch next weekend, hopefully in about a month I’ll be able to cut down on the money I spend on beer! After tidying up and a bit more relaxing I got a ride home, had a nice long bath and an early night (whoops, I skipped dinner!)

Week 1, Day 7: Total spend - $10.97

Week 1 Total spend: $27.96 – an average of $3.99 per day!

The morning after the rant before...

So last night I had a melt down.

Nothing completely new, I have gotten to this point before on many occasions, but this is the first since I've been back on medication. I need another purge so I'm going to go back a bit and try and put down in writing some of the things that have been going on in my head in the last 6 months and go from there.

I think that the worst emotional symptom of my mental health problems is the paranoia. I recently admitted this to my mother and she actually said something along the lines of Hallelujah, you can finally see it! I asked her why she hadn't tried to point it out to me, and her reply? You were so paranoid, would it have helped to know your mother thought there was something wrong with you or just to know that I was here for you. Touche mother, touche!

Paranoia is insidious. It creeps into every relationship. You suspect your boss thinks you're not doing enough, your friends don't really like you, you're only being invited to things because people feel sorry for you and there is no way you are good enough for anyone who you might desire a relationship with.

Emotional Word Vomit

Today I feel alone. Alone and ugly and lonely and like I will never be good enough for anyone.

I look at my amazing friends and think that if they are still single, I don't have a chance.

Sometimes I do really well and think I'm okay, relatively smart, articulate, I can be funny if you have my sense of humour, I can be silly and fun, I can cook. The cleaning is improving and mostly I can look in the mirror and not hate myself, I even think I look good some of the time.

And then I think I must just be making it up. Nobody wants me so I can't be all those things. Even when I think I'm special to someone I get cheated on, or left for someone else, or just left and no reason why. I'm unloveable, unattractive, stupid and naive to think anyone could love me for who I am.

But being something I'm not is even worse.

I don't know. I'm writing this through a flood of tears, I'll put the brave face back on in the morning and pretend nothing happened. Keep on living my empty life, missing the comfort of someone to share that life with and slowly dying a little more inside.

Seriously, am I really that awful to be around that I have never had a serious long term relationship that has lasted much more than a year?

Hate feeling like this, feeling sorry for myself, ranting and crying. It can't make me any more attractive, but now, tonight, I just don't care.

That's what friends are for...

It’s ten past 8 on a Saturday evening and I am sitting in bed at home, alone. I have a glass of port beside me and my laptop on my lap, my smartphone within reach and am relatively content.

Except if I am completely honest, the one word in that paragraph that causes me the most discontent is ‘alone’.

In some ways I am extremely introverted: I don’t like crowds or people constantly hovering, I read everything I can get my hands on – whether it is good or not, I don’t like talking on the phone to strangers or being chatted up in bars, I’m a home body – spending more time here at home than out and about… usually.

You see I also have extroverted tendencies: a tendency to call attention to myself, I’m loud, enjoy being the centre of attention on the occasions I chose to put myself there and can talk the ear off a donkey.

I am social awkward, but have an overwhelming need to be liked. I’m independent to a fault and don’t ask for help unless I absolutely need it in my personal life, yet will drop everything to help an acquaintance I barely know if they ask.

I like to stand out and don’t like to follow the pack when it comes to fashion, often feeling really confident and like I look great when I get dressed in the morning, but depending on the reactions I get during they day I can easily become anxious and certain that everyone is laughing at me or judging me as the day passes. I have even gone shopping on a break, immediately changing into something more sedate just because of an off the cuff comment from someone that I have perceived as negative.

I don’t have a lot of close friends, and one thing I have discovered as I have got older, is that the level of friendship I may prescribe to the relationship I have with someone, is not necessarily reciprocated. I have many acquaintances, people who may say hi to me in the street, but wouldn’t invite to me a party they were throwing. People I would invite to my birthday, but who wouldn’t even think to invite me to after work drinks.  This isn’t a judgment on them, this is just me learning about social interaction.

Since I moved to Wellington two years ago I made what I would consider three close, reciprocal friendships with women. In June of this year, two of those friends moved to opposite ends of Canada within a week of each other.  The third is currently in Canada visiting friends and family. It wasn’t until she went on her trip that the loss of the first two hit me like a ton of bricks.

Between the three of them I at least had someone to talk to when I was feeling happy/sad/crushing on someone/having trouble at work. Yes I can email them, yes I can even call them… and I am going to Vancouver in 3 weeks and will be staying with one, but it’s not the same.

I can’t have a mid-week picnic in the botanic gardens the day before pay day with the coins from our piggy banks buying us a bottle of wine and raiding the cupboards supplying us with a feast. No more being dragged on tramps and hikes and bush walks, usually when I’m stupidly hungover with my super-fit friend who always manages to push me harder than I think I can go. I still have brunch dates and karaoke here and a shoulder if I need it, and I’ll forever be grateful for that.

I get attached to people easily, both in friendships and relationships. I know this, I recognise this, but it doesn’t make it any easier to stop it from happening. It is something I struggle with and something I am trying to work on, but I don’t really know how too when it comes down to me interpreting others intentions towards me.

I wish I could get the phrase “She (or He) is just not that into you” out of my head, but unfortunately it seems to ring true, both in friendships and in anything more. I try not to expect too much from other people, just respect and honesty, but sometimes I guess that is too hard.

Or it isn’t about the other person at all and I am just expecting too much… I just don’t know.

And tonight, that is making me sad.

I still have hope

I’m the first to admit that life isn’t easy for anyone. Even those we think have privileged, indulgent lives, don’t really have it all. I’m pretty much positive that if you delved into anyone’s life you would find something that sucked. Something that may have helped shape them into the person they are today, but something that caused them pain and/or suffering at some point in their lives.

I see so much judgement every day. Even by those who rail against it. I see the same people who fight back against any governments trying to legislate a women’s body, or stop two people from marrying just on their gender, I see these people bullying, excluding and judging others.

I’m in no way saying I’m perfect, I have judged. I still do. But I admit it, I hate hypocrisy.

I love Twitter. The social media platform that has given me back the feeling I used to get on IRC back in the early 90s. Introducing me to people from all over the world, giving me a chance to meet people like me. A little geeky, somewhat socially awkward. I made some great, long lasting friendships on IRC. Some I am now friends with on Twitter in fact.

But Twitter is a little different. I’m finding more and more that people are using Twitter as a place to pick on others. To find someone whose point of view differs and then to bully that person, twist their words, retweet to their own followers, so that others that agree with you can mock and bully the individual.

I am finding it harder and harder to understand why this is acceptable. I don’t agree with everyone and I downright feel some people are wrong to think the way they do. I’m for gay marriage, against cutting mental health services, think that any act of terrorism domestic or otherwise should never happen, but I am also anti-bullying.

I have engaged with people who do not share my opinion. Tried to make them see the error of their ways, but usually end up chanting the old saying in my head: Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Now you may point out that calling someone an idiot is bullying. And you would probably be right if I was saying that to their face, but I try to just drop it. Block them, ignore further trolls on the subject.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t stand up for themselves, in fact that is one of my points. When your opinion differs from someone else and you pick on them for it, I’m not talking rational discussion – I’m talking putting someone down or insulting them personally for their opinion, then you are bullying them. And when they fight back, they are defending themselves.

Actually, as I typed that I think maybe that’s the point I’m trying to make. When you respond to anyone’s opinion on anything with an attack on the individual that gave the opinion then you are the bully. If you call someone fat, lazy, stupid, ugly or any other insult on the person, not the opinion, then you immediately lower yourself. In my eyes at least.

I make a real effort to think about responses defending myself, I try to phrase a response that addresses the original comment, not the person behind it.  I’m not perfect, I know that. But I try. And I try because I know what it is like to be bullied.

I grew up being taunted. I was too smart, too fat, too uncoordinated and lazy, I was a geek, a ginger, I had funny teeth and then I had braces. I fell of the roof of my house when I was twelve and fractured my spine – one boy in my class laughed when the teacher told them, on the day I returned in a neck brace another girl in my class attacked me. I dressed differently, we were poor, I read to much, I never had boyfriends, I wanted to be a virgin till I was 18, I was abused as a kid, I was raped at 16, I tried to fit in by ‘buying’ friendships – food, drink, introductions to the boys who lived next door, anything I thought would help me fit it.

But I was always taunted. And today on twitter I watched as people I know did exactly the same thing to other people I know and using some of the same taunts that were used on me as a kid and I cried.

I want people to be better than that. I still have hope.